Its 7 am in a pine cabin on Cradle Mountain.
The alarm on my phone is going off telling me its time to get up for the start of the scariest day of my life since 1976 and an Icelandic gunboat starting shooting at us and we returned fire with potatoes that had started to sprout from number 3 veg store on HMS Glamorgan.
My left arm cant find the remote control so the right arm has to be employed but to no avail I had to open one eye to locate the blody thing which is on the far side of the bedside table. Opening both eyes I start to focus in on the digital display. " Something wrong with this, it says its 6 degrees in here" ! Finally managed to locate the button to switch on the gas fire. Theres a welcoming whoosh noise as the gas fire kicks in and roars into life. Now the next decision is when to scurry to the bathroom to switch the lights on as they contain 4 halogen heat lamps which inside ten minutes turn the deep freeze of a bathroom into a sub tropical wetroom. The decision is made easier by the cold beer we had drunk the previous night so a scamper a squirt and a scurry later Im back in bed waiting for the room to get to at least 16 degrees before I venture out again.
Washed and dressed and into the first three layers of the walking gear, its breakfast time and the team assemble in the dining room for breakfast before we set off for the mountain. Its the biggest breakfast I have ever had, but I am assured by my two mountaineering mates James & Ged that I'll be grateful of all this carbohydrate when my muscles are screaming during the climb.
On reflection this was the first warning bell as to what was to follow but in my defence I was still half asleep and thought they were winding me up. They werent.
We loaded the back packs into the car and set off for Dove Lake.
Its a beautifully picturesque spot. Full of lovely walks and really nice postcardy type photo opportunities. But what it doesnt say is ALL YOU WIMPS WHO DO A BIT OF WALKING IN THE LAKE DISTRICT STOP HERE. To be honest if it had I would have ignored it and walked on.About 500 yards later we split into 2 groups. The girls were going on the "loop" round the lake gently climbing up to Marrions Lookout. Us boys were taking the quick route up "The Staircase"
For Staircase read Road To Hell.
The first part is easy, its a semi steep climb in some gravelly rocks, nothing too big, just watch your footing.
The second bit is the steps, about half a meter high and a meter wide, the first three are a breeze the fourth one pisses you off then you stop counting and start grimacing as your abductor muscles start to tighten.
You push on , not wishing to appear weak to your mates, or to slow them down, as it was their stated intention to make the summit. At this stage I couldnt have made my bed. My heart was thumping on the wall of my chest, my head was spinning, I was sucking air in in bucket loads but it was getting to my lungs in thimbles.I was soaked to the skin in sweat and was freezing despite five layers of clothing.
Here was where I made the decision to quit. I was slowing them down, they werent going to make summit before 2pm which was the cut off time as it takes four hours to get down from the top and we had to be on the floor before 5 pm which is dusk to have any chance of making Dove Lake by 6pm and darkness.
James being his usually laid back self told me to sit down and rest. "Snotaraceted,snotarace"
Race ? The only thing that was racing was my pulse.
James and I sat down and had a drink, he chatted and I shut my eyes for about five minutes.
Then he said "Cmon shift , we can do this " , and we set off.
The climb to Marrions Lookout was unrelenting but with James behind me and Walsh a mere speck on the hillside above us we ploughed on.
Well I say ploughed , scrambled , scratched, crawled, rolled , kneeled.
Wasnt exactly text book stuff but we got there.
But Marrions Lookout was where I made the decision.
Im staying here to wait for the girls and I'll go back down with them.
Ged & James decided the best place to wait was the Kitchen Hut.
Basically a shed at the base of the mountain, where you can shelter from the elements and have a brew.
It was here I met Mr & Mrs "Walker" and the 3 little "Walkers" including 3 year old Henry.
I dont know what there name really was, but here was a young mum with three kids and a husband in tow and she was obviously a mountaineer.
She was carrying two enormous back packs. One on her back and one on her front. She was carrying all the equipment for five of them. Food , dry clothes, the works.
She was amazing the way she tended for them all then talked to us about the different walks.
Im sat in the corner shattered, cant move, havent got the where withall to unwrap a sandwich we made before we set off. Im sat staring at it. I know Ive got to eat something but that involves effort and Im not interested at all. Mrs "Walker" wishes us well as she skips off with her brood , her parting shot was "You've done the hard bit enjoy the rest" !!!!! THE LYING BITCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the "Walkers" gone, I give Ged & James my third decision of the day, that this is as far as I go.
I dont know why but for some reason they set off and I followed them.
Purely out of curiousity, as soon as the climb started I was coming back to wait in the hut. BOLLOCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mistake number whatever.
The first part of the climb was quite easy.
Then the fog rolled in and I couldnt see the floor of the mountain.
No point in standing there, its getting cold, keep moving.
The fog clears and suddenly we are a lot higher than I thought we were.
The Hut is no where to be seen and its snowing.
Worse than that its starting to stick.
Now I cant see Ged at all , and Im regretting convincing James to go past me in his bid to make the summit.
We are on the big rocks now.
When I say big I mean about a metre and a half high and about three metres wide, all shapes and sizes really but they were the small ones. It took about 15 minutes climbing to get past one of them. But its still snowing and the rocks are slippy.
I havent seen Ged for about 40 minutes I dont know where he is.
He's up front somewhere.
But more worrying I cant see or hear James.
Im on my own.
I cant see anything infront of me except more bigger boulders and snow.
I cant see anything below me except the last boulder, and snow , and fog.
I decide to turn back
Then it dawns on me.
Im om my own and I dont know how to do this.
Im shafted
The last boulder looks enormous
It was enormous, it took me nearly 15 minutes climbling to get over it, but for the life of me I cannot work out a route, back down it.
10 minutes later I hear James, not kidding, the sweetest sound was his aussie drawl "stuff this, I've had enough, I'm turning back"
But how ?
Its 1.30pm we are now racing against time to get down before dusk.
We must make the floor in 4 hours or we are stuffed, and we have to climb down in the dark.
The descent was madness.
Never mind One Step Beyond
This was one step at a time , and make sure it stuck, because if it didnt, well I didnt want to think too much about if it didnt, it was giving me a headache making sure that it did.
If you think the concentration levels are high going up a mountain, then they triple on the way down.
And youre tired and youre wet , and the muscles you used on the way up are not the muscles you use on the way down for some stupid reason, but it didnt matter because they are wasted anyway.
Its during this session that full consequences dawn on you.
How long is this going to take ?
How much light is left ?
Who's going to come for you if it goes wrong ?
The answer to the last part is a stomach churning , nobody.
The only people who know where we are , roughly, are also on the mountain.
The people not on the walk are in the hotel on the piss and are expecting us at dinner at 8pm. They're not coming for us ! There are no reps on this holiday.
After an hour and a half of painstakingly careful climbing, the montain floor comes into view out of the fog and glory be its stopped snowing.
We got back to the hut and had a cupasoup, at least thats what Walshy told me it was.
I think it was hot wallpaper paste.
We then had a decision to take , Another one ?
Fastest or shortest route down.
Piece of piss , this decision.
Fastest
Wrong again Ted
The fastest is The Face Trail, which doesnt mean smiley faces all the way down. It means down the face of the mountain at 45 degrees across the front.
For part of it is a chainlink rope.
No path
Just a chainlink rope.
An hour later and my shoulders and arms are aching we make it to the Ballroom Forest, and its a long walk , yomp through the forest, wet and cold to the car park.
We reach Dove Lake just as darkness is falling, we sign out of the book and get in the car.
Its 7km to the lodge and the drive is done in complete silence.
We arrive at the lodge to check in , to tell them we are back and we get ambushed by Paul & Lorraine who want to buy us a drink and hear our tales, but we are shattered and all we want is a quick swallow and then a hot shower.
We are down , we are safe , but we are all chastened.
It will be a couple of days before it sinks in how stupid it was , but hey we've got a party to go to , lets get ready..........
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